Understanding the different communication styles of our partners, coworkers, friends, family, and strangers allows us to be able to build trust, increase productive decision making, healthily communicate with others according to the context, and overall showcase our growth in interpersonal skills. There are four main styles of communicating that are a cause of several factors: genetics, our households and how we were raised growing up, our personalities, the people we surround ourselves with, and the overall situation.
- The passive communicator is usually submissive and calm when it comes to conversations, and even in arguments or at the heat of the moment they tend to be easygoing and careful with the words they say. People who utilize this communication style usually allow assertive and aggressive communicators to take the reins in the conversation, as they themselves do not enjoy conflict and will often go to great lengths to avoid it. Unfortunately, because many times they do not speak up, they can be left with residual feelings of hurt and resentment; constantly letting others have their way without being able to clearly express your own feelings and needs can become frustrating and upsetting to the point that it may eventually blow up. The passive communicator says and believes: “It doesn’t matter that much, I just want everyone to get along”; “No one respects me”; “I am incapable of standing up for my rights”. Passive communicators have difficulty expressing their opinions, feelings and needs; tend to give in, which often leads to misunderstandings, and experience stored up anger and resentment
- The aggressive communicator is someone who often intimidates others, may be overly argumentative, and may only be generally concerned about being right or “winning” the conversation. An aggressive communicator will outright ignore what others are saying, interject when others are talking, or talk to others as if the way they are feeling or what they are thinking is wrong. An aggressive communicator often does come from a place of confidence, but does not actively listen to and respect others’ opinions. An aggressive communicator says and believes: “You owe me, I’m superior and right and you are inferior and wrong”; “I’m loud, bossy and pushy, because I said so”. Aggressive communicators express their feelings, opinions and needs in ways that violate the rights of others; tend to dominate the conversation, give orders, and ask weird questions while not listening to others, and are controlling and demanding
- The passive aggressive communicator is a combination communication style: they often combine elements from passive and aggressive communication. At face value, they may seem calm and collected, agreeing with or not objecting to what others say; however, under their words, they may be frustrated and hurt. This frustration and hurt, if not expressed correctly, can lead to hurting others in the form of sarcasm, gossip, and condescending language. The passive aggressive communicator says and believes: “I’m weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate and disrupt”; “I appear cooperative but I’m not”; “I use sarcasm a lot”. Passive aggressive communicators appear to be passive but are actually sabotaging and expressing their anger and resentment in subtle, indirect ways, with their words not matching their actions
- The assertive communicator is clear and upfront about their thoughts and feelings; this person confidently articulates their argument while at the same time actively listening to others. They don’t allow emotions to cloud their judgment or influence what they truly believe. An assertive communicator may say, “I’m responsible for myself, I respect the needs and opinions as well as needs and opinions of others”; “I’m confident in who I am”. The assertive communicator clearly expresses their opinions, needs and feelings while respecting the rights of others respectfully and honestly. Using assertive language includes using “I” statements, breathing slowly and keeping your voice firm, having an upright posture and maintaining regular eye contact, responding but not reacting, and not over explaining yourself.
Some questions you can ask yourselves and others while determining your own communication style:
- What is my tone/what words do I usually use when in conversations and arguments with others?
- Are there certain factors (such as my childhood, the people I am surrounded by presently, certain stressful or joyful situations in my life) that are causing me to act out more while communicating with others? Or are these factors limiting my communication abilities?
- How do you prefer to communicate with others?
- Ask yourself about a time you were involved in a work or relationship conflict, and then how you handled it
- How would you describe good/effective communication?
- How important is listening in communication?
The differences in how we each communicate, without making an effort to understand and work with them, often causes more harm than good. Paying attention to which communication styles your friends, family, partners, and coworkers utilize can greatly improve your own interpersonal skills as well as benefit you and others with the opportunity to work with a more diverse set of personality types.
Email: info@centerforworklifecounseling.com
Website: https://centerforworklifecounseling.com
Phone: (321) 758-5161
