For many of us, the urge to want to jump in to help others, and to be liked by them, comes natural. For people pleasers, this need creates emotions to an extreme, that begin to define them. Never knowing when to say no, making themselves available for favors, and putting their own happiness constantly second, in order to make others happy becomes like the air they breathe. The energy it consumes is draining, and causes their own life to be negatively impacted in the long term if not immediately, but it is like an addiction that demands attention.
If this is you, and your ears are ringing with the pain of knowing you hate this but you keep doing it, know that you are not alone. It is in fact quite tempting to feed in to this pattern of thinking, since there is so much negative happening in the world, the news we see and hear and the stressful and conflict-oriented lives many endure. Most of us assume that helping others is always the better option in many scenarios and to take the “high road” or aim to please with the intent of good karma coming back is necessary. This is not meant to say that helping others isn’t ideal, because in our world a little kindness, even if it sets oneself back, can make a world of difference for another person. The real problem lies within the devastating cycle of the why? The cycle of feeling others deserve more than they do, or that something bad will happen to them if they don’t fulfill their “obligation”. People pleasers go to extremes in order to feel a temporary feeling of achievement and satisfaction, just to feel it slipping away within minutes of even seconds. However, there is never an ending where they can relax because there self-esteem depends on this provision; finding insufficiencies they can fix, problems they can solve and care they could provide. People pleasers often experience difficulty making their own wants and needs known. They may deny having any issues in their life because they do not want to burden others with their problems. They are usually overworked and overstressed because they are over committed. They often feel selfish and guilty if they can’t “do it all.” Excessive people pleasing has the potential for numerous negative consequences. They may experience fear of rejection and disappointing others, have low self-esteem, difficulty making independent decisions, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
What are the signs and causes of people pleasing?
- Common signs include frequently being involved in one-sided relationships where you give significantly more than a partner, struggling to recognize your own feelings and needs, particularly when they differ from a partner’s, and experiencing great difficulty when it comes to setting boundaries, saying no and creating limits, losing your sense of identity in your relationships as the other person overshadows your own, and hyper-focusing on others emotions to the point where you lose touch with what’s going on inside yourself
- Potential causes include a response to trauma (fawning is a trauma response that includes pleasing or gratifying others to regain a sense of safety) how one received love, especially as a child (people-pleasing can develop as a result of caregivers that could not recognize or tend to emotions. In order to be seen, one learns to neglect their own feelings), and as a response to oppression (financial insecurity and oppression of marginalized groups can cause individuals to people-please in order to prevent more difficult situations or the threat of violence)
What are some negative outcomes when it comes to pleasing people?
When we talk about putting ourselves on the line for others, it is rarely ever talked about in a negative light. Those doing favors for others and overworking themselves to solely please others are deemed “heroes” and a positive, happy story is always strewn out of it. However, there can be many negative results that impact the people pleaser themselves. These include:
Neglecting one’s own needs: : If you are a people pleaser, you may devote very little time to taking care of your own health. A balance is key: only caring for others reduces your own personal well-being. Being able to take care of yourself better equips you with a healthier and more energetic life. Think about it: you cannot help anyone if you are unhealthy and exhausted. Think of the time you put into exercise, de-stressing, and eating healthy as your time for rejuvenation.
Resentment: As time goes on, you may become silently resentful of others, especially if you feel taken advantage of or unappreciated. In the short-term, you can suppress your anger, but it may turn into passive aggression (e.g. comments, jokes, or sarcasm that subtly allows negative feelings to show). Resentment destroys relationships and can result in distancing or disconnecting from relationships instead of expressing how you truly feel.
Anxiety and Depression: Unhealthy stress means having more demands than you can handle. Excessive people pleasing is a vicious cycle of chronic stress and unhealthy behaviors. It is when you constantly feel like you are too busy and doing everything for everyone else but yourself. m to help you implement it.
Feeling that you are being taken advantage of: People may take advantage of your kindness by asking for more than is reasonable. You may become the target of exploitative people because they know that you can’t say no. If boundaries are not set, people won’t realize when they have crossed the line. Teach people how to treat you through the behaviors you accept or reject from them. Set boundaries about what you can and cannot do, and what you will and will not accept. Those who are used to you saying no may be disappointed at first. You will probably feel guilty, but it is your right to take care of yourself.
How can I break the people-pleasing cycle?
- Refrain from downplaying your accomplishments
- Learn to love your own talents and characteristics rather than relying on others to appreciate you.
- Speak up if something bothers you and ask for what you need.
- Delay responding to situations, and people until you have the bandwidth to think clearly.
- Refrain from inviting yourself to someone’s life decisions and “fixing” someone else’s problem.
- Decline requests with a simple “no” when they don’t genuinely interest you.
- Practice accepting compliments with a thank you and a smile.
- Refrain from keeping score, do what you feel in your heart, but do for those that deserve it and not just to prove your own self worth.
- Refrain from constantly apologizing, especially if you can’t recognize how you were in the wrong
Finally, ask yourself the following:
- Do you think too much about what others think of you?
- Do you ask for approval too often?
- Have you changed your focus in life because of someone?
- Do you work too much to finish your work asap to cover for others?
- How would you handle situations if you took out disappointing others out of the equation?
- What expectations do you have for yourself and how often do you find yourself at odds with others’ expectations colliding with yours?
- What aspects of yourself do you not accept fully?
While it can be hard to break the habit of people pleasing, there are solutions and methods to begin to formulate change. Talking to a professional is a great step in helping you notice the slippery road and guide you toward self love.
Remember, every day is a new day to be your best.
Email: info@centerforworklifecounseling.com
Website: https://centerforworklifecounseling.com
Phone: (321) 758-5161
